Happy One Year Out Of The Closet!
Well we celebrate coming out of a womb (ewww) so I just thought I would celebrate coming out of the closet! It really doesn't feel like it has been a year since the car crash, but then again it seems like over a year ago. The past year has been a complete change in lifestyle for me, not only because I am 'out' and don't have to hide who I am any more, but I moved to Scotland and lived by myself for a year at uni. Living away from home really gave me a chance to learn more about myself and actually be who I am with out having to hide it from my parents. I dunno it was just nice to go on dates and have guys round without making up a million excuses to my family as to where I was going and who I was with. Once I came out I never had the best relationship with my family.
At first I blamed them and said it was all there fault. I blamed them for me having to always lie to them. I blamed them for never telling them. I blamed them for hating them so much. Over the past year I have realised that, no, it wasn't all their fault. I was a horrible son to them. I always started arguments, I never let them into my life and I tried to shift any blame to them. Now I think my mum and I have realised that we have both made mistakes and both where to blame at times. The relationship with my mother is better now and I am so thankful for that.
26th June 2010
I had been going out with my boyfriend for one month. So we decided to go for a drive up the mountains and go for a walk. Of course I had told my mother I was only 5 minutes down the road at my friends house. Well anyway we got the mountain and it was kind of boring so decided we wanted to do something else. Both being as indecisive as the other we decided to play Rock Scissors Paper to see what we would do. After 'A drive to Newcastle' won, my boyfriend said "It was Fate" and away we went.
So anyway off we went on our drive. It was the Lisburn Fun Run so I couldn't go back into the town to go that way so I had to take a different route. I had never drove down that road before so was a bit cautious when I was driving. After all how could I explain a car crash in the middle of nowhere with a boy my mother had never heard about when I supposed to be 5 minutes down the road at a friends? Eventually we got onto the road I originally wanted to be on so I was a wee bit more confident and kept on driving.
We stopped off at a Garage half way there. This is the 'infamous' garage I always made my family stop off at because it made the most amazing ice cream ever. I don't think we got ice cream I can't really remember but we got something to snack on anyway. We stayed in the car for a bit while we ate and then off we went again.
After this stop there are few very large 'S bends' in the road, it was round the last that the crash happened. It is still a bit of a blur to me all I can remember is that I lost control of the car (possibly from hitting a pothole) mounted the curb and slid down the grass.
Great I had crashed my mothers car, for the second time in two weeks, a half an hour drive away from home, when I was supposed to be 5 minutes away, with my boyfriend, when my mother never even knew I was gay. I had NO idea how to get out of this one.
The two left wheels where completely wrecked, they where slashed on impact with the curb, there was no way I was getting that car home. I remember bursting into tears, the only thing I could was phone my mum and tell her everything. So I did. The only thing I remember from that conversation was my mum saying 'you are fucking where?' when I told her where I was and 'you are with fucking who?' when I told her I was with my boyfriend. I cried for a good ten minutes not knowing what was going to happen. The only thing I could think of doing was phoning my assistant head of year and telling her what happened. She calmed me down and made sure that I knew everything was going to be all right. She later told me that she had been drinking that night but was about to phone a taxi to come and get me. I love her so much, she really was the rock that I needed during everything.
So then the family arrived, mum, dad and sister. As soon as my mum saw she began screaming and I began crying. My dad never spoke to me. While my sister just gave me a look that said 'you have really done it this time'. I hated every second of that night it is mostly a blur right now I just remember a lot of screaming and a lot of crying. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that my teacher was on the other end of the phone and that my boyfriend was by my side holding my hand.
He did a lot for me that night without even knowing it. I know it sounds silly but if he wasn't there things would have been so different. I don't mean it wouldn't have happened. I mean if I didn't have his support I don't know what I would have done.
The car journey home was horrible. Half an hour of complete silence. No radio, not nothing. I tried so hard not to cry. I folded my arms so I could grab hold of my boyfriends hand without my mother noticing. Once we got home my sister brought him home and I went to have a conversation with my mum and dad.
I am not sure what angered them more. The fact that I was gay, the fact I was gay but never told them, or the fact that for the past few months I had lied to them every week about where I was going and who I was seeing.
Two days later I had my first Politics A-level. Two days after that I had my last exam. My friend dropped me off home after a McDonalds lunch, I got in got changed went outside into the sun with my laptop and a bottle of WKD to celebrate the end of my High School Life. I signed onto msn and up popped my boyfriend on chat. "I don't think we should go out any more" My heart sank. I literally went from the top of the world to nothing. We argued over msn and then I just burst into tears and rang my friend. She came back and looked after me.
At the time I needed him the most he deserted me, to be honest I don't think I will ever forgive him for that. We still speak, occasionally, but always end up arguing over something and don't speak for a few months. The next few weeks where the worst I had ever experienced. Not only had I lost a boyfriend, but I had lost the trust of my family. This is when the hate began. This is where it all went wrong.
Looking back I could have handled the whole situation better. But I suppose the whole experience has made me grow as a person. In a way I am kind of lucky. I now have a better relationship with my family and have a more mature few point in things.
My coming out story is a little bit different than your usual story. I guess nothing can ever be normal with me...
One thing my boyfriend said was true though... it was fate after all...
Sunday 26 June 2011
Monday 13 June 2011
The Customer is Never Right
I am sorry but customers are idiots, actually the thing I hate most about my job is the customers. I work as a checkout operator in a local Supermarket. I love it. All I do is stand by my till all day scanning items, doing lottery tickets, selling gas and electricity and handing out cigarettes and alcohol to anyone who shows me a valid ID. The people I work with are amazing, we laugh, we gossip and genuinely have a good time. The only thing that makes me dread going to work every day are the customers.
Sure some of them are lovely. I have a nice time chatting to elderly women, hearing about their day, laughing at cute babies and asking their mothers how old they are, chatting to friends and neighbours who come by to buy a litre of milk but the most enjoyable past time in work, checking out all the hot guys who pass through that door. Sadly none of them, gay or otherwise, give me a second look, but still it is nice to look. It is these rare few times that I like customers. But I must stress the word rare.
The customer is always right. Well pardon my French but by hell they are. In my short while working numerous jobs I can tell you 9 times out of 10 the customer is not right but you being the great employee you are have to tell them they are because it is all about customer satisfaction. Maybe if a customer actually read the tag correctly they would see it is marked as '£1 off' and not as they so hoped marked '£9 off'. Or if the customer took the time to read the coupon they would realise that you cannot use it unless you spend over £40 or that the offer doesn't even start until next week. But, because the customer is always right, we have to abide by their demands, for fear of losing customers.
This really annoys me, customers basically rob the shop because owners fear they are going to lose one measly customer who only comes in to buy the Sunday newspaper ever other week but who happened to make up some offer in his head this time. So while this customer gets the item for £1 instead of £1 off, I then get shouted at because the next day my till is £2.45 short. If owners spent more time worrying about giving customers free stuff and less time putting employees on final warnings for the stupidest of stuff they would have a better work environment. Happy workers are the key to a healthy business not rip-off customers.
Yes I may be jealous because my customers get treated better than I do but I am sorry if I wish I had more respect from my boss. The job which I currently have I started in September 2009 and that Christmas decided to go to the work Christmas dinner with my sister as she had worked in the same place for a number of years. However on this particular occasion by boss, who I had worked for four months for, thought I was a waiter and demanded to see my manager because the table next to us was throwing food. How I so wanted to tell him that he was sitting beside my manager but I was far too embarrassed and ashamed that my own boss never knew who I was. But I soon realised I had nothing to be ashamed of, he did, how can a Business Owner claim he runs a successful business when he doesn't even recognise the face of his own staff?
Fair enough the man owns three stores, but that is no excuse. He had obviously seen me in the shop after I had served him and his wife on numerous occasions. One of his assistant managers is my sister so I would be assuming he would know her brother worked for him. He had shook my hand earlier that evening as we waited for the bus to arrive to pick us up. Was he really so blind that he never remembered my face? Does he see every employee as hamsters to his money making machine? I don't know but what I do know is that a company should learn to understand that to stop it from falling apart is to look after its employees a little bit better.
The customer is not always right. The employee is not always right. And the owner definitely isn't always right. Me however? I try to be right all of the time and when I am not I will scream until you admit that I am ^.^
Sure some of them are lovely. I have a nice time chatting to elderly women, hearing about their day, laughing at cute babies and asking their mothers how old they are, chatting to friends and neighbours who come by to buy a litre of milk but the most enjoyable past time in work, checking out all the hot guys who pass through that door. Sadly none of them, gay or otherwise, give me a second look, but still it is nice to look. It is these rare few times that I like customers. But I must stress the word rare.
The customer is always right. Well pardon my French but by hell they are. In my short while working numerous jobs I can tell you 9 times out of 10 the customer is not right but you being the great employee you are have to tell them they are because it is all about customer satisfaction. Maybe if a customer actually read the tag correctly they would see it is marked as '£1 off' and not as they so hoped marked '£9 off'. Or if the customer took the time to read the coupon they would realise that you cannot use it unless you spend over £40 or that the offer doesn't even start until next week. But, because the customer is always right, we have to abide by their demands, for fear of losing customers.
This really annoys me, customers basically rob the shop because owners fear they are going to lose one measly customer who only comes in to buy the Sunday newspaper ever other week but who happened to make up some offer in his head this time. So while this customer gets the item for £1 instead of £1 off, I then get shouted at because the next day my till is £2.45 short. If owners spent more time worrying about giving customers free stuff and less time putting employees on final warnings for the stupidest of stuff they would have a better work environment. Happy workers are the key to a healthy business not rip-off customers.
Yes I may be jealous because my customers get treated better than I do but I am sorry if I wish I had more respect from my boss. The job which I currently have I started in September 2009 and that Christmas decided to go to the work Christmas dinner with my sister as she had worked in the same place for a number of years. However on this particular occasion by boss, who I had worked for four months for, thought I was a waiter and demanded to see my manager because the table next to us was throwing food. How I so wanted to tell him that he was sitting beside my manager but I was far too embarrassed and ashamed that my own boss never knew who I was. But I soon realised I had nothing to be ashamed of, he did, how can a Business Owner claim he runs a successful business when he doesn't even recognise the face of his own staff?
Fair enough the man owns three stores, but that is no excuse. He had obviously seen me in the shop after I had served him and his wife on numerous occasions. One of his assistant managers is my sister so I would be assuming he would know her brother worked for him. He had shook my hand earlier that evening as we waited for the bus to arrive to pick us up. Was he really so blind that he never remembered my face? Does he see every employee as hamsters to his money making machine? I don't know but what I do know is that a company should learn to understand that to stop it from falling apart is to look after its employees a little bit better.
The customer is not always right. The employee is not always right. And the owner definitely isn't always right. Me however? I try to be right all of the time and when I am not I will scream until you admit that I am ^.^
Friday 3 June 2011
Gays are too Gay
Yes I am a homosexual, but I am not under any circumstances 'gay'. I hate being labelled. I hate being introduced as 'the gay friend'. I hate how my sexuality seems to be how people describe me. Fair enough, I am pretty camp, but that is because of who I am, not what I am. There is so much more to me than just being gay.
You know this list goes on and on. I may be sexually attracted to guys but that does not make me part of some 'community' or automatically fit into some sort of stereotype. Sure I may fit into some of these stereotypes, but so what? I don't introduce some people as my 'straight friend', automatically assume that they are a sports fanatic or even fancy every girl that has ever walked the earth. Sure I may talk about guys a lot, but last time I checked straight people talk about the opposite sex a lot as well. It just annoys me that people think they automatically know who I am and everything about me because I am gay. Well I'm sorry but no you don't. Most people are surprised to find out that I am obsessed with Black Ops. Why should you be surprised? It isn't like it is a straight only game.
What makes this all worse though is people who I like to call 'Gay gays'. These are the people who constantly like to remind others they are gay, put all over their twitter that they are gay, are always talking about how discriminated against they are, trying to play the 'gay card' when life doesn't go their way. Well I am sorry, but the person who fell out with you, didn't do so because you gay, they did it because you are not a very nice person to hang about with, you didn't get that job because the employer was homophobic, you didn't get it because the person who got it was just more qualified than you and for goodness sake people don't call you a slut because you are gay, they call you one because you have sex with every guy you come across.
Some gay people need to stop being 'Gay' and start being who they are. It really bugs me when people try and revolve their whole life around their sexuality, there is so much more to a person than their sexuality and if people ever want to cut out homophobia they need to realise that being gay isn't everything.
Before I continue I would like to point out that this is not a blog giving off at or separating 'queens' or 'straight acting' people as that is another argument all together. Both 'types' of gays are guilty of this. I myself have been guilty of this as some of my friends like to point out to me when I go off on this rant.
But. Back to the main point. Some gay people spend too much time stereotyping themselves and constantly reminding people that they are gay that they further separate themselves from everyone else. In my opinion fighting for Gay Rights is about both 'communities' coming together and showing people that we are the same whether we are gay, straight, lesbian, transgender or whatever. I just wish people would stop making it worse for themselves.
Yes I do think that some people make it worse for themselves. Fighting for gay rights is something that I have done in the past and will continue to do in some situations where I feel that my voice should be heard. Those people who fight for such rights are an admiration to me that they stand up there and fight for these things. But they are not fighting for your rights so that you can constantly make yourself different and constantly try to feel discriminated against. Yes there are some occasions where gay people are discriminated against which is wrong, but that does not give anyone the right to say they always are. In fact sometimes I feel like when some people play the 'gay card' they are spitting in the faces of the people who stand up for the rights of homosexual people.
Right so this blog has been a bit all over the place but I would just like to sum up my argument, if possible. Basically I believe that some gay people should stop focussing on how different they are to everyone else and start realising that everybody is all the same no matter what their sexuality. People, both straight and gay, need to realise that nobody should be described by their sexuality. The gender of person who you want to share a bed with does not dictate who you are, it is how you treat that person and everyone else around you which dictates who you are. So stop trying to be 'Gay' and start being yourself and you will find that those rights you want and deserve are within all of our grasps.
I study History and Politics.
I want to be the Prime Minister one day.
If I do not get into politics I want to become a teacher.
I enjoy writing and often write poetry.
My favourite colour is blue.
I like to sleep with my teddy.
My nickname is Nando.
I love Glee.
You know this list goes on and on. I may be sexually attracted to guys but that does not make me part of some 'community' or automatically fit into some sort of stereotype. Sure I may fit into some of these stereotypes, but so what? I don't introduce some people as my 'straight friend', automatically assume that they are a sports fanatic or even fancy every girl that has ever walked the earth. Sure I may talk about guys a lot, but last time I checked straight people talk about the opposite sex a lot as well. It just annoys me that people think they automatically know who I am and everything about me because I am gay. Well I'm sorry but no you don't. Most people are surprised to find out that I am obsessed with Black Ops. Why should you be surprised? It isn't like it is a straight only game.
What makes this all worse though is people who I like to call 'Gay gays'. These are the people who constantly like to remind others they are gay, put all over their twitter that they are gay, are always talking about how discriminated against they are, trying to play the 'gay card' when life doesn't go their way. Well I am sorry, but the person who fell out with you, didn't do so because you gay, they did it because you are not a very nice person to hang about with, you didn't get that job because the employer was homophobic, you didn't get it because the person who got it was just more qualified than you and for goodness sake people don't call you a slut because you are gay, they call you one because you have sex with every guy you come across.
Some gay people need to stop being 'Gay' and start being who they are. It really bugs me when people try and revolve their whole life around their sexuality, there is so much more to a person than their sexuality and if people ever want to cut out homophobia they need to realise that being gay isn't everything.
Before I continue I would like to point out that this is not a blog giving off at or separating 'queens' or 'straight acting' people as that is another argument all together. Both 'types' of gays are guilty of this. I myself have been guilty of this as some of my friends like to point out to me when I go off on this rant.
But. Back to the main point. Some gay people spend too much time stereotyping themselves and constantly reminding people that they are gay that they further separate themselves from everyone else. In my opinion fighting for Gay Rights is about both 'communities' coming together and showing people that we are the same whether we are gay, straight, lesbian, transgender or whatever. I just wish people would stop making it worse for themselves.
Yes I do think that some people make it worse for themselves. Fighting for gay rights is something that I have done in the past and will continue to do in some situations where I feel that my voice should be heard. Those people who fight for such rights are an admiration to me that they stand up there and fight for these things. But they are not fighting for your rights so that you can constantly make yourself different and constantly try to feel discriminated against. Yes there are some occasions where gay people are discriminated against which is wrong, but that does not give anyone the right to say they always are. In fact sometimes I feel like when some people play the 'gay card' they are spitting in the faces of the people who stand up for the rights of homosexual people.
Right so this blog has been a bit all over the place but I would just like to sum up my argument, if possible. Basically I believe that some gay people should stop focussing on how different they are to everyone else and start realising that everybody is all the same no matter what their sexuality. People, both straight and gay, need to realise that nobody should be described by their sexuality. The gender of person who you want to share a bed with does not dictate who you are, it is how you treat that person and everyone else around you which dictates who you are. So stop trying to be 'Gay' and start being yourself and you will find that those rights you want and deserve are within all of our grasps.
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