So 2011 is coming to a close and 2012 is slowly creeping towards us. There are many, many speculations as to what 2012 will bring us, and I am sure many changes will happen whether they be world changes or more likely, personal changes. I do not believe in any form of 'Rapture', and that we shall live life as normal and by 2013 another rapture date will be set for us all to fear about. The only thing I fear is a Dalek breaking free in the salt plains of Utah and planning to kill everything on Earth, for me that is more likely than a religious war between good and evil.
(If you get the reference then I love you)
On Christmas Day I got a 2012 diary from Santa and it made me think, what have I got planned for 2012? What do I hope to achieve by the end of the year? Honestly, I didn't think I could answer either of those. I sat down later that day to fill dates into my diary, which I must say I have a great love of doing, and I wrote very little in it in fact I only wrote three things in it. Looking at what I did write, it makes me think about what I might hope and plan to actually achieve in 2012.
I will admit that I noted down what I hope to be the year anniversary between me and my boyfriend. I have never been in a relationship that has lasted anywhere near a year but this one I hope lasts the year and beyond. I think me writing that there confirms the fact that I believe that it actually might, and I sincerely hope that it does.
I always worry about growing old alone. Not just being single, but being truly alone and having nobody. I have felt it more these past few months than ever before. In regards to my job I get a flat paid for me, so I live rent free. However this flat is where I live. Alone. I have plenty of friends who I go out and socialise with and hang out with, but when I wake up in the morning and when I come home at night I feel more alone than I have ever felt before.
All my life I lived with my family, knowing that throughout the day I would have contact with them. Then when I moved to university I shared a living environment with 18 people, which made it impossible to ever be left alone. But now there is only me. When I am in my flat by myself I feel lost, trapped, alone. I miss that constant physical contact with another human being. I guess what I want and need out of 2012 is to keep the relationships I have, and strengthen and grow the ones that are just beginning.
The second thing I noted in my diary was 'Going back Home'. I noticed after I marked the date that I never wrote 'Stirling' or 'University', I wrote 'Home'. I guess this is true, Stirling is my home now. I spend most of the year in Scotland and will be spending around 9 months of 2012 there, so why shouldn't it be my home now. They always say 'home is where the heart is' and my heart is truly in Stirling. I no longer see Northern Ireland as home any more, this is where I was born, Lisburn is my home town but not my home.
When I come home I want nothing more than to get back to Stirling, I hate being back home, especially under the rule of my mother. When I am in Stirling I am my own man, I am independent but while I am in Northern Ireland I hear the phrase 'while you are under my house you abide by my rules' far too often. I love my family and always will, but once you get a taste of independence and freedom you don't want to be caged up any more.
I have said to my parents that next Christmas I might only come home for Christmas week and be back in Stirling for New Years, who knows if that will happen but it is what I want. 2012 will see me moving further from my family and see the beginning and continuation of my own life, as my own man.
The third and final thing I wrote in my diary is the one thing that frightens me about 2012 more than any Rapture ever could, my 20th birthday. After February I won't be a teenager any more and that scares the life out of me. I know it really is no difference but it just makes me realise that I am growing up and I am maturing. A friend said to me that since September she has seen me grow up and mature right before her very eyes. I laughed at her when she said it, but it is true and I can see it myself. I suppose that is something to be proud of.
But it makes me wonder, did I make the most of my teenage life? I know I am only turning 20 and have my whole life ahead of me, but do I have the same opportunities I might have missed out on? Have I really lived life to its fullest? Then I think to myself there is nothing stopping me from doing that now, and that no I haven't missed out on anything or wasted my teenage years. I have changed a great deal since I was 13, all for the better and surely that is what is more important. The final date in my diary scares me, but it also reminds me that there is always enough time to live life by the fullest and do what I want to do!
Writing this blog has made me realise that the one second that changes a minute to a new hour. an hour to a new day and a day to new year will not change one thing about me. 1st of January 2012 marks nothing more than a new day, a new calendar on the wall and the beginning of a few weeks of embarrassing yourself while you still write the year as 2011. Sure it may feel like a fresh start to some but to others it will be a fresh start because they are the ones who take every single say as a fresh start to do something good and to better their life. Sure these may be goals I have for 2012 but everyday will be filled with a fresh and ever changing goal as everyday shapes who I am and who I am becoming.