Sunday, 26 June 2011

One Year Anniversary!

Happy One Year Out Of The Closet!

Well we celebrate coming out of a womb (ewww) so I just thought I would celebrate coming out of the closet! It really doesn't feel like it has been a year since the car crash, but then again it seems like over a year ago. The past year has been a complete change in lifestyle for me, not only because I am 'out' and don't have to hide who I am any more, but I moved to Scotland and lived by myself for a year at uni. Living away from home really gave me a chance to learn more about myself and actually be who I am with out having to hide it from my parents. I dunno it was just nice to go on dates and have guys round without making up a million excuses to my family as to where I was going and who I was with. Once I came out I never had the best relationship with my family.

At first I blamed them and said it was all there fault. I blamed them for me having to always lie to them. I blamed them for never telling them. I blamed them for hating them so much. Over the past year I have realised that, no, it wasn't all their fault. I was a horrible son to them. I always started arguments, I never let them into my life and I tried to shift any blame to them. Now I think my mum and I have realised that we have both made mistakes and both where to blame at times. The relationship with my mother is better now and I am so thankful for that.

26th June 2010

I had been going out with my boyfriend for one month. So we decided to go for a drive up the mountains and go for a walk. Of course I had told my mother I was only 5 minutes down the road at my friends house. Well anyway we got the mountain and it was kind of boring so decided we wanted to do something else. Both being as indecisive as the other we decided to play Rock Scissors Paper to see what we would do. After 'A drive to Newcastle' won, my boyfriend said "It was Fate" and away we went.

So anyway off we went on our drive. It was the Lisburn Fun Run so I couldn't go back into the town to go that way so I had to take a different route. I had never drove down that road before so was a bit cautious when I was driving. After all how could I explain a car crash in the middle of nowhere with a boy my mother had never heard about when I supposed to be 5 minutes down the road at a friends? Eventually we got onto the road I originally wanted to be on so I was a wee bit more confident and kept on driving.

We stopped off at a Garage half way there. This is the 'infamous' garage I always made my family stop off at because it made the most amazing ice cream ever. I don't think we got ice cream I can't really remember but we got something to snack on anyway. We stayed in the car for a bit while we ate and then off we went again.

After this stop there are few very large 'S bends' in the road, it was round the last that the crash happened. It is still a bit of a blur to me all I can remember is that I lost control of the car (possibly from hitting a pothole) mounted the curb and slid down the grass.

Great I had crashed my mothers car, for the second time in two weeks, a half an hour drive away from home, when I was supposed to be 5 minutes away, with my boyfriend, when my mother never even knew I was gay. I had NO idea how to get out of this one.

The two left wheels where completely wrecked, they where slashed on impact with the curb, there was no way I was getting that car home. I remember bursting into tears, the only thing I could was phone my mum and tell her everything. So I did. The only thing I remember from that conversation was my mum saying 'you are fucking where?' when I told her where I was and 'you are with fucking who?' when I told her I was with my boyfriend. I cried for a good ten minutes not knowing what was going to happen. The only thing I could think of doing was phoning my assistant head of year and telling her what happened. She calmed me down and made sure that I knew everything was going to be all right. She later told me that she had been drinking that night but was about to phone a taxi to come and get me. I love her so much, she really was the rock that I needed during everything.

So then the family arrived, mum, dad and sister. As soon as my mum saw she began screaming and I began crying. My dad never spoke to me. While my sister just gave me a look that said 'you have really done it this time'. I hated every second of that night it is mostly a blur right now I just remember a lot of screaming and a lot of crying. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that my teacher was on the other end of the phone and that my boyfriend was by my side holding my hand.

He did a lot for me that night without even knowing it. I know it sounds silly but if he wasn't there things would have been so different. I don't mean it wouldn't have happened. I mean if I didn't have his support I don't know what I would have done.

The car journey home was horrible. Half an hour of complete silence. No radio, not nothing. I tried so hard not to cry. I folded my arms so I could grab hold of my boyfriends hand without my mother noticing. Once we got home my sister brought him home and I went to have a conversation with my mum and dad.

I am not sure what angered them more. The fact that I was gay, the fact I was gay but never told them, or the fact that for the past few months I had lied to them every week about where I was going and who I was seeing.

Two days later I had my first Politics A-level. Two days after that I had my last exam. My friend dropped me off home after a McDonalds lunch, I got in got changed went outside into the sun with my laptop and a bottle of WKD to celebrate the end of my High School Life. I signed onto msn and up popped my boyfriend on chat. "I don't think we should go out any more" My heart sank. I literally went from the top of the world to nothing. We argued over msn and then I just burst into tears and rang my friend. She came back and looked after me.

At the time I needed him the most he deserted me, to be honest I don't think I will ever forgive him for that. We still speak, occasionally, but always end up arguing over something and don't speak for a few months. The next few weeks where the worst I had ever experienced. Not only had I lost a boyfriend, but I had lost the trust of my family. This is when the hate began. This is where it all went wrong.

Looking back I could have handled the whole situation better. But I suppose the whole experience has made me grow as a person. In a way I am kind of lucky. I now have a better relationship with my family and have a more mature few point in things.

My coming out story is a little bit different than your usual story. I guess nothing can ever be normal with me...

One thing my boyfriend said was true though... it was fate after all...

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